It’s an all-too familiar scene: a slightly smug, self-satisfied face emerging from in between your legs, his expression indicating he’s convinced you’ve just seen God when the reality is anything but.
You’re torn between wanting to give him positive reinforcement—after all, it’s not every guy that goes down on you so enthusiastically, and your instinct is to reward his good behavior with feigned satisfaction, hoping that practice will one day make perfect—and wanting to push his head away and say, “No! Bad! Don’t ever do that again!”
Bad oral sex ranges from “meh,” to sexlessly ticklish, to downright uncomfortable, especially when their unskilled fingers thrust into the mix. And while with the right person and the right level of trust and communication it’s possible to guide your partner to pleasing you, these usually aren’t relationship assets that couples have when they first start sleeping together. It can be awkward to correct someone new in bed, and when he’s doing it with gusto, it almost seems petty to focus on how badly he’s doing it—like looking a gift horse in the mouth.
A recent article in Salon talks about how cunnilingus has become mainstream in recent years. You can barely turn on the TV without seeing men—sometimes quite graphically—going down on women. It’s great!
I’ve been with very few guys who evaded cunnilingus—and none who have flatly refused out of distaste. But I’ve heard enough stories to know that a lot of guys still don’t do it, or at least not for reasons other than quid pro quo. So seeing other men do it, and enjoy it, only serves to normalize, and even glorify, a once only whispered about act. It’s becoming the new measuring stick against which to judge one’s manhood.
Forget how big his dick is; how is he with his tongue?
But acting like having a guy go down on us—no matter how bad he is at it—is some sort of privilege only reinforces harmful gender norms. Girls who withhold blowjobs are selfish prudes, while guys who give head are being lauded as a new class of sexual altruists.
Why should one be a given when the other is a gift?
It’s especially important—now that cunnilingus has become less taboo and come out from under the sheets, so to speak—to positively shape the narrative around oral sex and social norms.
The Salon article concludes, “‘The pairing of oral skill with manliness makes cunnilingus less about the woman receiving it than about the man performing it,’ and ‘the woman’s pleasure more about validating the man’s skill than about the woman herself having a good time.’”
It’s a slippery slope. Not only are we letting the guys who are bad at going down on us get away with thinking they’re wizards under the sheets, but we’re letting them wear it as a badge of their sexual prowess.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’d much rather guys judge each other by how well they can pleasure a woman than by how big their dicks are. But the issue is that men aren’t comparing the skill, they’re comparing the act.
Just doing it isn’t enough, gentlemen. You have to do it well, and you have to do it for the woman.
But I try not to preach without also being practical, so here are some tips on how to please:
- Most women prefer a full-body arousal before even thinking about wanting clitoral stimulation. This means not only turning her on mentally, but really making her want it before you give it to her. So start with your hands and some indirect stimulation; run your fingers lightly over her body, caress her breasts, stroke her through her panties. Tease her.
- Once you get her naked, focus on the surrounding area for a while before you go straight for the good stuff. Inner thighs, lower belly, outer vulva—these are all highly erogenous zones and giving them some attention will increase blood flow to the area, which makes for a more powerful orgasm later on.
- The tip of the tongue can often be too directly stimulating at first. Start with a flat tongue and long, slow, vertical strokes.
- Unlike men, who can and sometimes need to be distracted, most women need to focus to be able reach orgasm. And that’s not going to happen if you’re wiggling around every which way and slobbering everywhere. Steady, slowly increasing pressure and speed are a must. Pick a spot—make sure it’s the right one—and stick to it. If it helps, think about repeating a shape with your tongue—a circle, a triangle—over and over and over again.
- Try horizontal movements, rather than vertical ones, across the top of the clitoral hood. Most women find direct contact with the actual clitoris too strong a sensation and prefer stimulation to the immediately surrounding areas. Studies show that a majority of women—and I’m not sure why this is—derive most pleasure from the upper left side of the clitoris (your right, if you’re facing her).
- While some women love simultaneous vaginal stimulation, some don’t. Make sure she really wants it before you go sticking your fingers anywhere because she might find it distracting, and if she loses the orgasm (that really happens!) you’ll have to start all over again. That said, simultaneous orgasms can be very very powerful, so it might be something you want to experiment with. If you want to try it out, use your two middle fingers to apply steady pressure to the front of the vaginal wall while you go down on her. Let your mouth do most of the work, but slowly start to integrate some movement with your hands. Do not just thrust your fingers in and out of her. Make a repetitive “come hither” motion caressing her G-spot with the pads of your fingers (and make sure your fingernails are short and clean!) while you focus on bringing her to clitoral orgasm with your mouth. The G-spot is essentially an extension of the clitoris (which is a large network of nerve endings that extends far beyond that little cluster), so it’s not going to be two different orgasms. But vaginal stimulation can serve to intensify the orgasm, also known as a simultaneous—clitoral and vaginal—orgasm.
- After she comes, avoid touching the clitoris directly as it may be too sensitive, but don’t just break contact. A woman’s orgasm is often described as a rolling wave, rather than a sharp climax, so even after she reaches the peak of the wave, you can extend the length and pleasure of the orgasm by continuing what you’re doing, though more slowly and with less targeted pressure.
Really knowing how to please a woman is not only an incredible skill, but also extraordinarily rewarding. Oral sex—well all sex, really—isn’t black and white; it’s not like as long as it’s not bad, it’s good. There’s bad sex, good sex, and holy-fuck-I-think-I-just-saw-God sex.
What do you want to be remembered for?
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For more information, read this Clitoris Guide. It has a lot of helpful tips on what to do and what not to do, and even some educational diagrams!
Also, do yourself (and your partner) a favor and read She Comes First, the thinking man’s guide to pleasuring a woman. There’s a reason it’s been on the bestseller list for years.
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Have Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Need Advice? Have a funny/saucy/risqué dating or sex story you’d like to see in print but are too afraid to publish yourself?
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OliviaQuiver@gmail.com
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