As a modern-day, financially-independent, feminist woman, one of the sides of dating that still bamboozles me is the dance for the check.
This hilarious video by The Discipline Committee, a film collective that produces comedy sketches, tries to shed a little bit of clarity on a dicey issue.
But is it really so scripted?
There are so many variables that go into deciding who should pay for a date: Who is the with? What number date is it? Did you order food? Where are you going? Is income a factor? Who invited whom?
Before taking all of these variables into consideration, let’s look at some science from a recent article in Slate drawing from a study about gender norms and paying for dates:
“David Frederick, a psychology professor at Chapman University and one of the study’s co-authors, said the motivation for the research was to understand why some gender-based practices (like the acceptance of women in the workplace) have changed, while others (such as certain courtship rituals) have not.
The study, which surveyed more than 17,000 unmarried heterosexual men and women, found that 84 percent of men and 58 percent of women said men pay for most dating expenses, even after the relationship has been cooking for a while. And, evidently, a lot of women like it this way; 44 percent said they were bothered when men expected them to kick in some cash.
Many women do wind up offering to help—some 57 percent in all—but they’re not exactly sincere about it: 39 percent confessed to hoping that men would reject the overture. Meanwhile, nearly two-thirds of men believe women should contribute, and 44 percent went so far as to say that they would stop seeing a woman who never reached for the bill. Yet they’re also deeply conflicted, with 76 percent reporting that they feel guilty accepting women’s money.
Before women entered the workforce in large numbers, it made practical sense for men to pay for dates. It was a way for them to prove that they could be good providers, and women simply didn’t have their own money. But today, the number of men and women in the workforce is roughly equal, and in most marriages, both husbands and wives are providers.”
So, in a nutshell, most men still pay for dates, and most women still appreciate the custom, and while both men and women realize that the practice isn’t totally fair or up to par with modernity, both are apprehensive about changing the status quo, albeit for different reasons; although women might feel guilty about their disingenuous attempts to “help” with the check, they still like when their offer is rejected and they get treated, and although men would like a woman to at least offer, they feel guilty about accepting the help when they do.
I’d say this indicates a dire need for some kind of system of ground rules to make the process easier, but that’s there all those pesky variables come in a make it complicated.
There’s a big difference between expecting men to pay for everything all the time (which is unreasonable and unfair), and expecting men to make an effort to woo you on the first couple of dates.
I’m a big believer in sharing the cost of a relationship (unless the guy makes seriously more bank than me, in which case, buy me all the pretty things!). But people in relationships do stuff together all the time that isn’t free–like eating and drinking and going places–and there’s no reason one person should have to pay for everything just because he has a penis.
But for the first couple of dates at least, I do like being taken out.
It’s not about the guy showing he can be a good provider, as it might have been in the 1950s when this kind of dating norm was established. I have a job, and I can provide for myself, thankyouverymuch.
Rather, it’s more about demonstrating that a guy cares enough to want to impress me by being a gentleman.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
The truth is, as much as times are changing and dating is modernizing, it’s still very much embedded in a system that isn’t altogether equal, and often women bear the brunt of the inequality. Yes, things probably do have to change, and they will. Buy why does change have to start with women ponying up cash on day one?
This isn’t to say that paying for the first date or two is how men should pay for the gender-imbalanced system they (however unwittingly) participate in, perpetuate, and impose on us. But as long as they’re (however unwittingly) benefiting from a system that favors them, maybe we can benefit from a cultural norm that favors us.
As my friend and fellow sexpert Victoria Wilde so aptly put it, “we already have to deal with all the negative externalities of the dating system; why should we have to give up the positive externalities, too?”
“The video illustrates so well the reason the script exists,” says Victoria. “By following the script, the guy demonstrates that he has social acumen. He’s done this before and knows how it works, and it’s a big turnoff if he doesn’t. Not really because of the money (ladies got JOBS), but because he lacks social awareness and made it weird, which is a deal breaker.”
Still, “because that’s the way it’s always been” is hardly a good reason to continue doing something for the sake of doing it. So while it’s certainly nice for a guy to pick up the tab on the first date or two, it shouldn’t be a given.
A woman should no more go into a date expecting the man to pick up the check, than a man should expect a woman to put out if he does.
When the check actually comes, personally, I dislike splitting it. Maybe it’s because of the way I was raised not to to talk about money–and splitting it necessitates a conversation–but I find it awkward and tacky to split a check on a date, especially on two credit cards. It’s a little less awkward with cash, or if you’re alternating rounds at the bar, but not by much. I’d rather pick up the whole tab myself.
Similarly, I dislike the disingenuous fake offer to help pay and rejection dance. If a guy goes for the check first, I let him, without making it uncomfortable by falsely trying to intervene. Then I graciously thank him–acknowledging the nice gesture–and leave it at that.
Instead of trying to split every tab in half, I’d rather alternate who picks up the check, which is generally the best and least awkward solution to keeping dating expenses fair. If you go to more than one place over the course of the evening, if the guy picks up the first tab, you can offer to pay the check at the second bar–and mean it. Or, if you stick to a single bar, mention that next time you go out it’ll be your treat. It might not be an truly even financial split if he takes you to dinner first and you just pay for drinks after, but I’d argue that the illusion of fairness is more important in most cases.
And while we’re on the subject fairness, it might be a good idea to put a little bit of strategic thought into the kinds of places you choose to go, especially if one (or both of you) is being careful about money. We all love upscale mixology, but with a $15 price tag, those cocktails might become less and less delicious to the guy who has to pay for three rounds of them every time you go out. Throw in a dive bar every once in a while, and you’ll see that if the chemistry is there you’ll have just as much fun wherever you go.
Whatever dance you do around the check, try to be conscious and considerate. My approach to handling the check differs greatly depending on whether I’m dating a flush finance guy or a strapped student, but I always try to be aware of the nuances in the situation. You don’t want other person to resent you for flouting cultural norms, and as a result sour a relationship that had potential. If this means that the guy should pick up the check on the first date, and the girl should disingenuously offer to help, so be it.
Ultimately, as scripted as it is, Check Script has a point. The purpose of the exercise is to show that the man is aware of how a gentleman should behave, and to allow the woman to see that he is aware. Once this mutual awareness has been established–provided there’s a mutual desire to continue dating–you can transition into a more equitable arrangement.
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