Dear Olivia,
I would love to hear your thoughts on something that I currently have been debating with some of my close female friends. In my experiences, a girl seems to become extremely attached to a guy after having sex with him on three separate occasions. I have been on a recent string of 2 to 3 month relationships with girls who are very cool, fun to be around, interesting, etc…, however, after we start having sex they become completely and totally attached. Like texting all day, everyday. Or trying to hang out every other day. I’m trying not to sound like an asshole here. It’s not that I don’t like them, but I think things get way too serious, way too quickly and it kind of drives me away. If you have thoughts on this topic I’d be interested in hearing them.
Thanks!
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This is a good question, since I think it happens to a lot of people—guys and girls. I’ve definitely been in the same boat, and it’s definitely difficult to navigate.
In an ideal world, you could just tell the person it’s moving a bit fast, assure them that you like them, you’re having a great time, but you just want to take it a little more slowly.
The problem is that in the early days of a relationship you’re still evaluating the person’s potential as a partner, and there’s always a little part of your brain that looking for reasons to ditch them and jump ship.
(When I first started dating one of my ex boyfriends, I noticed his two front teeth were slightly crooked and overlapped and I distinctly remember thinking, “Oh god, his teeth are weird, I can’t date him!” We went on to date for almost three years, and those little overlapped teeth ended up being one of the endearing things I loved most about him. But in the beginning, it was almost a totally irrational deal breaker).
So someone’s clingy, fast-paced behavior might not just be something that’s making the relationship speed along, it might also be a character trait that you react negatively against–however irrationally–and causes you to see the person in a different light and lose interest.
So if you actually like the other person, and want to keep dating them, but at a pace you feel more comfortable with, try to set the pace yourself.
Take initiative in the communication and plan making, and gently force them to respond to you at your pace. For example, if you see them on Saturday, maybe send a follow up text on Monday to make plans for later in the week.
If they text you something cute, just to make conversation, respond in kind (and in a timely manner), but if they respond to you, you don’t have to respond again. Let them have the last word.
But be careful, because a lot of people abide by the “I was the last one to text” rule. In other words, people are apprehensive about following up, even a couple of days later, to someone whom they texted last. (Especially on smart phones, where texts show up as a conversation, no one wants to be that person who’s sending all the messages, back to back.)
So if you leave someone with the last word, be sure to do the considerate thing and follow up eventually. It doesn’t have to be the same day or about the same thing, but make the effort to get in touch again.
If the person is calling you continuously and it becomes a burden, don’t feel obligated to answer every call. You can return the call at your own pace, apologize for not answering because you were busy, and say that you’ll call them back when you have some time.
The key is to not engage every time they try to engage you, but to still make the effort to return the communication eventually, at a pace you feel comfortable with. You want to strike the perfect balance between reliable and aloof.
Flaking out altogether only fuels the fire and exacerbates the problem. Not to mention, it’s rude.
Of course, this all applies to people with whom you’re interested in pursuing something with–not someone that you’re not interested in any longer.
In those cases, be clear about what you want (or don’t want), even if it seems hard to do. Especially if you’ve slept with someone, you owe them the courtesy of telling them that you don’t want to see them again. Slowly disappearing and expecting they won’t notice never works, and it’s inconsiderate.
People get clingy when they’re feeling insecure; it’s a way to try to establish certainty in an unclear situation. If they start to see that you’re reliable, interested, and not a flake—even if you take you’re time—they’ll relax whatever doubts they have about the relationship and let you guide the way.
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