The new year is often a time for new goals. (Or old goals, depending on whether or not you achieved them last year.)
We make resolutions about everything from losing weight to being more organized to being kinder or more self-confident. We strive to improve our bodies, our minds, and our careers.
So why not aim to improve your love life as well?
Bad habits in the bedroom are just as (if not more) common than bad habits anywhere else, and the consequences can be dire.
At best you leave your partner unsatisfied and give them a reason to find somebody else to warm their bed at night. At worst you can make someone extremely uncomfortable (physically or emotionally), or even break the law.
So take this opportunity to make some Between the Sheets Resolutions, and resolve never to be one of these ten worst kinds of lovers.
The Ten Worst Lovers
10. The Licker/Slobberer – Everyone has his or her preferred level of saliva swapping, but it’s not too hard to gauge what the other person likes by mimicking what they’re doing. A well-placed lick on the earlobe or at the base of the throat can be incredibly erotic, but wet, slobbering kisses–or worse, face licks–are more reminiscent of an overly friendly golden retriever than a sensual lover.
9. The Unexpected Spanker – I love a good smack on the ass as much as the next girl; it’s hot and plays into a sexual power dynamic that many people are very turned on by. But I need to know it’s coming. Start with caresses and build up from light taps. An unexpected spanking is jarring, it can interrupt the momentum of an orgasm, and can make your partner uncomfortable, if that kind of bedroom play isn’t something you’ve tried or discussed before.
8. The Weird Dirty Talker – Dirty talk, like licking and spanking, can make or break sex. A little bit of verbal encouragement often helps get started. Hearing all the things that someone wants to do to you, or wants you to do to them, throatily whispered in your ear can be extremely hot. But the wrong combination of words, tone, and timing can ruin the mood. Language that’s out of character, or worse, baby talk, often has the opposite of its intended effect. Nothing turns me off faster than a guy talking about my “boobies.”
7. The Wannabe Porn Star – You might be in great shape, super flexible, and want to show that off, but that doesn’t necessarily mean your partner is up for a round of sexual acrobatics. A little positional variety is nice–missionary and girl on top get boring for everyone after a while–but enthusiastically fucking and changing positions every few seconds like there’s some imaginary film crew rolling tape behind you is the best way to guarantee your partner won’t be able to focus on reaching orgasm. Take your time and fuck for yourself, not your fake audience.
6. The Corpse/”I Forgot How to Use My Hands” Guy – This one is less common, but definitely a turn off. When I get on top and a guy just lies there, his hand limp on my legs or at his sides, I totally lose all incentive to get him and myself off. I’m sure the same is true for guys who feel like they do all the work in missionary. Even if your partner is on top doing the brunt of the thrusting, that doesn’t mean you should just lie there and let them do all the work. Put those free hands to use! Guys, a thumb on the lady’s clitoris can be just the extra stimulation she needs to get her O. And ladies, don’t be afraid to tangle your hands in his hair or dig your fingers into his back.
5. The Weird Moaner – Though it doesn’t affect the physical quality of the sex, per se, much like weird dirty talk, overly dramatic or frequent moaning can really kill the mood. Sometimes it’s high-pitched and falsetto, sometimes it’s more like a steady baritone, but whatever it is, it’s usually distracting me from what I’m trying to do. Obviously you don’t want someone to be dead silent, that would be weird. Moans of pleasure often escape unintentionally and non-verbal cues are usually how people give positive feedback in bed. But don’t overdo it.
4. The Hickey Giver – This has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves. Hickeys are ugly and painful and immature, end of story. If hickeys are a natural byproduct of the way you kiss, you’re kissing wrong. And leaving one on a normally exposed body part (like the neck or throat) can cause your partner a lot of embarrassment and inconvenience when they have to figure out a way to cover it up at work and around friends. Kissing is sexy; sucking someone’s flesh so hard as to break capillaries and pool blood into their skin is not. Don’t do it.
3. The Jackrabbit – This is probably the epitome of the selfish lover. The guy who, once in, jackhammers himself into you until he gets off, usually mere seconds or minutes later, with absolutely no regard for your pleasure or comfort. For these men, speed equates skill (false) and the orgasm is mutual (also false). Unless they just don’t care, which is worse. I can’t stress enough how important foreplay is for most women, and when you eventually get to sex, take your time and gauge what is pleasing your partner. If getting off as fast and unintimately as possible is your goal, do your partner the courtesy of leaving her out of your selfish masturbatory session.
2. The Night Nudger – Sometimes men wake up in the middle of the night aroused, and, finding themselves next to a sleeping, naked, and was-willing-last-night partner, think it’s ok to just slip it in. In a loving, trusting relationship this might not be a problem; I’ve had a lot of half-asleep middle-of-the-night sex that started before I was awake. But these are instances of a trusting, pre-established dynamic. Even then it’s better to double check. In other cases, at best, it’s a nuisance and at worst, it’s rape. Your partner, especially in a one night stand or a new or developing relationship, should always be awake and consenting to sex. Sleep = non-consent. Period. This is non-negotiable, especially if there was alcohol involved, which can cause people to pass out instead of fall asleep and be unable to wake up to someone engaging in a sexual act with them. If she was willing last night, she probably will be again, but never assume. Either wake her up and ask or wait until morning. Never ever have sex with someone who isn’t conscious of the fact that you’re having sex with them. (One would hope that this would go without saying, but you never know).
1. The Condom Resistor – The guy who resists wearing a condom is the number one worst kind of lover. Not only does it indicate a lack of respect for his partner, especially if she (or he) specifically asked that he wear one–but it shows a general lack of responsibility and safety. How many of his past lovers didn’t bother to ask? Or how many gave in when he resisted? Like they say, when you have unprotected sex, it’s like having unprotected sex with all the partners your partner has had unprotected sex with. It’s stupid and unsafe. And someone who is not only acting stupidly and hazardously, but wants you to do the same, is not worth your time. Guys will give you all kinds of excuses–it doesn’t feel as good, I can’t orgasm, it squeezes too hard. But they’re all bullshit. When push comes to shove, I’m sure most guys prefer protected sex to no sex at all, so make those the available options. If they won’t take it, they’ve just failed your litmus test. Studies have shown that bigger guys are more resistant to wearing condoms for the obvious reason that average-sized condoms might be too small and feel uncomfortable. But it’s not your problem. They make extra large condoms for a reason, and it should be the responsibility of the guy to make sure he has them if he needs them. Another reason might be a latex allergy (which is more common than you might think) but they make latex-free condoms too. Chances are if a guy is using either of these excuses, it’s not the first time he’s encountered the problem and so he should come prepared with a solution, or be prepared to forfeit sexytimes. Never ever let a guy pressure you into having sex without a condom. If he’s not willing to take your safety, preferences, and concerns into consideration during sex, it speaks volumes about his shortcomings as a person and a lover.
***
These are necessary but not sufficient.
In other words, to be a good lover you must avoid all these pitfalls, but merely avoiding these pitfalls does not make you a good lover.
Satisfying your partner requires a combination of mutual respect, time, dedication, attraction, and arousal. Take your time, pay attention, and listen. Practice makes perfect, and don’t be afraid to ask for directions.
I wish you all a saucy and sexually satisfying 2013.
Happy Humping!
***
Have Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Need Advice? Have a funny/saucy/risqué dating or sex story you’d like to see in print but are too afraid to publish yourself?
Email me!
OliviaQuiver@gmail.com
Or follow me on Twitter!
@OliviaQuiver