I rarely write about the people that I’m currently seeing.
Unless it’s to use a specific sexy moment as an example, I don’t think it’s fair, or necessarily interesting, to kiss and tell. It’s my privacy to do what I want with, but as a rule, the privacy of others I respect.
But a couple of weeks ago something interesting happened while I was on a date, so I’m breaking my unofficial rule to talk about it.
I’ve been casually seeing a guy for a few weeks; we’ve gone out four times and we’ve slept together on every one of those dates.
Not that that should be particularly relevant—we all know how I feel about women being able to do what they want when they want, regardless of what society thinks is appropriate—but in this case it just so happened that I took him home on the first date because it was what we both wanted in that moment and I didn’t really expect it to go anywhere. Turns out we had explosive sexual chemistry, so we decided to see each other again.
All in all our first two dates were great. If I had to go one way or the other, I’d say our sexual chemistry was much stronger than our personal chemistry, but we definitely had fun, talking and laughing over drinks and food, and it turns out we actually had a lot in common.
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I want to point out here (you’ll see why later) that he was, for the most part, taking the initiative. I might have texted back something flirty once or twice, but he was the one following up after our dates, to see how my week was going and to set up another one.
Our third date started off great—we were in a fun bar with tasty cocktails, and we even talked about our families, a subject that doesn’t always come up organically when you’re keeping it casual. But as we were about to get a second drink, things got a little bit weird. He moved his bar stool away from me so our legs weren’t touching anymore, and he was acting kind of fidgety.
“Can I ask you something?” He paused. “Where do you see this going?”
If I’d been drinking, I would have choked on the cocktail—that’s how much his question took me by surprise. Luckily my glass was empty.
“I’m sorry,” I said, not sure what I was apologizing for. “Are we talking about ‘us’?”
I hadn’t known there was an “us” to talk about.
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I guess we are.”
“Well,” I started, hesitantly. “To be perfectly honest, I hadn’t really thought about it. I thought we were just having fun.”
“Ok.” I think at this point he might have regretted bringing it up, but the deed was done, so he continued. “Because I like you, and I like hanging out with you, but I don’t really want to lead you on. I’m at a really transitional point in my life right now, and I don’t think I’m looking for anything serious.”
By now I’d recovered from the unlikelihood of having this conversation in the middle of a third date, and so I confidently assured him that I, too, was just looking for something casual and that he didn’t have to worry about leading me on. No pressure.
He seemed relieved, and he visibly relaxed into his chair. Apparently I’d successfully avoided this landmine I hadn’t even seen in front of me.
Then he said something I’ll never forget.
“You know, I was a little apprehensive about seeing you again. I didn’t know if you wanted something serious.”
Let’s review. He asked me out first, and every subsequent time. After a few cocktails I went home with him on the first date, and unceremoniously went back to sleep when he left early the next morning to go to work. I’d always been happy to hear from him (and see him, and sleep with him), but I’d never taken the initiative to plan something, let alone taken the opportunity to come across as pushy or overly enthusiastic. We’d only been out three times, and all three dates were at night, in bars, and rife with alcohol; it’s not like we’d been having romantic picnics in the park or enjoying candlelit home-cooked meals.
Looking back over our brief dalliance, I saw that I’d never exhibited any behavior that indicated my wanting something serious. I hadn’t even come close.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call an epiphany moment:
I realized that even though he’d never been confronted with even a shred of empirical evidence supporting the hypothesis that “I wanted something serious,” he had been prepared to write me off completely because of the mere possibility of it.
Let’s ignore for a minute the fact that he was the one who follow
ed up after our second date to see how my birthday weekend had gone—he even remembered I’d gone to the ballet with my friends—and to ask me out again; he was nonetheless apprehensive about seeing me again, because he didn’t know if I wanted something serious.
For a split second I was overwhelmed with indignation, highly annoyed that he’d pretty much jumped to conclusions about me without having any reason to.
But then he said something else that took the steam out of my reaction.
“You know, it’s funny because as a guy you’re conditioned to think that girls are the ones who always want something more. But obviously that’s not always the case.”
And then I realized that this happens all the time. All. the. time.
Just in the last six months I’ve dated three guys with whom I went on exactly two great dates and then nothing. They just vanished. Sure, it’s a bit speculative to chalk it up to the guy assuming I wanted something serious and then bailing, but considering that the attraction and the chemistry were there, it’s hard to think of another explanation. (Unless they were really good at pretending to have a great time, while actually being miserable, which totally sounds like something sane people would do.)
Sure it could be that they realized, meh, maybe they weren’t actually that interested; we’ve gotten so good at the skill of dating that sometimes it’s difficult to know if the chemistry is real or manufactured. But if that’s the case, why go on a second date? And sure, maybe there was someone else. But in my experience, if you’re committed to dating around, you give someone a chance if you see potential, or at least you explain the situation and come clean about someone else being the reason it won’t go forward.
But this whole two “great dates then nothing” is becoming a trend. And it’s not just me, it happens to my friends all the time.
It seems like the minute guys realize that there’s enough chemistry and interest for it to have potential, they assume that the girl wants to be their girlfriend and they pre-emptively bail, lest they suddenly find themselves trapped in a serious relationship.
Full disclosure, I’m guilty of it, too, in a way. I’ve totally blown off guys after two great dates and sleeping with them, because I wasn’t interested and didn’t want to lead them on.
But I always said something, even if just a text message saying, “I had fun but I don’t think this is going to work out.” I’ve never just vanished.
No sooner had I experienced my first moment of epiphany about what was happening I started thinking about why.
Why do guys vanish as soon as it gets interesting? Why is the idea that a girl could possibly want something serious so terrifying? Are they running away from commitment, or towards an intangible liberty that makes them feel in control?
In the end, fleeing from any hint of intimacy, what are you left with? The freedom to fuck whomever you want?
Well good for you.
Women have that already, and at the end of the day most of us realize it’s not worth giving up everything else for.
It’s like it takes men a whole extra decade to figure out that the grass isn’t really greener on the other side.
At least this guy was candid enough to bring it up and double check to really make sure I didn’t want something serious before bailing. And in fact, as awkward as the conversation was, he might have actually saved it, whatever “it” is. Forcing us to put our cards on the table re-calibrated us, in a way, and made sure that we were both on the same page.
In our world of texts over calls and facebook over face-to-face, what he did actually was actually really brave. Unfortunately, people often lack the courage or the will; it’s like they would rather have it dissipate into nothingness than define it.
You just have to hope that when something real comes along they’ll realize it before pulling a disappearing act.
***
Have Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Need Advice?
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OliviaQuiver@gmail.com
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