Dear Olivia,
I literally abhor demeaning phrases and words toward women–stated in public–that use their sex/reproductive organs/gender as a way to belittle them, accuse them of weakness, inferiority, and/or construct double standards. However, said demeaning phrases can strangely be really fucking hot between two consenting adults in some sort of domination sex fantasy. I worry that this makes me fucked up…
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You’re allowed to be turned on by things that are “wrong.”
It’s like women who have rape fantasies. None of them actually wants be raped. The fantasy is about artificial non-consent, and being dominated–not because you actually are powerless, but because it’s your power in the first place to give up–can be extremely hot. Of course, technically, the minute it becomes a fantasy, it’s no longer rape, as rape is by definition non-consensual sex, and by wanting it, it becomes consensual. But it’s the principle of it: being turned on by things that in real life disgust you.
It’s the same for you with sexually charged misogynistic language. In real life you abhor it, but when you’re turned on, in a sexual setting, its sexual and dominating nature serves to enhance the sexual intensity. By using the language in a positive setting (two consenting adults seeking pleasure), you’re stripping it of its negative force, but keeping the risque connotation and sexual charge that comes with it.
Sometimes I have rape fantasies, or get turned on by other things that in “real life” I would find abhorrent. In the right context, I can get super turned on by something, and it really helps me get there, but as soon as I orgasm, my mind switches back to real life mode and I’m like, “ugh, how was I just thinking about that?!” It’s a little disconcerting, finding myself–a self-respecting feminist–in the throes of pleasure stemming from something degrading and un-feminist. But trying to apply the architectural logic of real life to the nebulous world of sexual gratification is like trying to catch a puff of smoke with a butterfly net.
I’m sure it doesn’t apply to everyone; some people simply don’t let themselves think about certain things, and many people’s fantasies are g-rated. But I’m certain everyone has the capacity to think that way. We’re human, it’s natural for us to have strange reactions to strange things.
The mind is a crazy place, and sex is really difficult to understand. Our fantasies–whether x-rated or vanilla–are shaped by innumerable factors in our lives: our childhoods, our first sexual awakenings, both our positive and negative sexual memories, and the influence of people we’ve been with, pop culture, literature, etc. There’s no way to really know why some people like being spanked, and some people like being choked, and some people like being peed on. There are as many sexual quirks are there are people who have them, and they just need to find a healthy place in our day to day lives.
I think the thing to keep in mind when you’re wondering whether or not you’re crossing a line, is “who is this hurting?” And by hurting I mean in the real sense of being emotional or physically damaging to yourself or someone else. Not like spanking.
If the answer is no one, then you’re probably fine. It’s a kind of ambiguous limit. But ultimately, if the stuff you fantasize about is just in your head, or in your (safely and consensually) acted-out fantasies, and you would feel disgusted by even the idea of it being translating into reality, then it’s just your sexual psyche at work in mysterious ways, and there’s no reason to be concerned about whether or not it’s “wrong” to like it.
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