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Dear Toolbags,
When you go on a first date, there are only so many things—broadly speaking—that you can want going into it:
1) Sex
2) A short-term fling
3) A long-term relationship
(We’ll leave the second two alone for now, because if you’re looking for some form of commitment—however loose—this rant doesn’t really apply to you.)
Maybe you don’t know exactly what you want, but presumably you know what you don’t want. And in a situation with so few options, the process of elimination makes it easy for you to figure it out. For example, let’s say you don’t want any form of commitment. We can safely eliminate options 2 and 3, knowing that they both involve a certain degree of sticking around.
Which leaves us with option 1, sex.
Which leads me to my main question: If you’re only looking for sex, why are you trying to get it from anyone other than someone else who just wants sex?
I cannot even begin to understand the thought process or logic behind stringing a girl on for several dates and then cutting off all contact after sleeping with her because you don’t want anything more serious.
(Note: I say “a girl” because the inverse is much, much less common, so for the sake of avoiding plural pronouns, I’m going to generalize I little bit. Girl assholes, I apologize for not directly addressing this to you, but consider yourselves included.)
Aside from the fact that you’re being a monumental jackass (don’t worry, we’ll get back to that), how is it worth it for you? Is sex really so hard to come for you by that you have to take a girl you’re not really interested in on multiple sexless dates—plan an evening, pay for drinks, make conversation—before you can get her into bed?
If you take a girl out—with the intention of pursuing it purely to get laid—and she doesn’t want to go home with you that first time, leave it alone! Do not pursue her just to get her into bed! If she seems into you and you keep this up—wooing her romantically and “taking it slowly” and all around acting like a decent human being—she is going to think you want something more than just sex.
Now lets say you’re open to the possibility of more than just sex. If you end up getting into it a bit and then decide it’s not for you, make that decision sooner rather than later. And if you’re going to give it a chance, you need to give it a chance.
Either decide before you sleep with her that it’s not going to work out—letting her down with a little dignity—or, if you do make it past the point where you’ve slept together, stick around for a while to see if there’s really something there. In my experience, even if you like someone, the first time you sleep together is not always indicative of how future sex will be, so you might need a few more times to find your groove. If, after all this, you come to realize you’re not into it, then break it off. But at least you’ll have tried and given it a chance.
This is all assuming, by the way, that you’re still sincerely interested in seeing if it might work out. If you’re sticking around for more sex despite already knowing that you’re not into her, you’re even more of a douchebag than the guy who skipped out after just the first time.
Call us crazy, but when guys want to spend time with us without sleeping with us it makes up think they actually want to spend time with us. And when guys exhibit this charming, gentlemanly behavior over and over again—and girls perceive a mutual connection—it makes girls get this crazy idea that by having sex with this person—someone whom they like spending time with and who seems to enjoy spending time with them—they might actually be adding a pleasurable dimension to the relationship, and that person might *gasp* want to keep spending time with them after the sleep together.
But what do we know? We’re obviously a bunch of fucking crazies for thinking that sharing an intimate moment with someone you like and respect might actually improve a relationship instead of bringing about its instant demise.
A friend of mine was recently dating a guy, and it seemed to be going really well. They had four or five great dates—the latter dates ending with some intense making out, but no sex. After they slept together, five or so dates in, he totally tuned out, acted like a distant asshole for a week, and then finally ended it via text (don’t even get me started on that) saying he couldn’t do “the romantic thing.”
Um, what the fuck does “the romantic thing” that even mean? If he wasn’t into seeing where it was going romantically, why act all charming and romantic over the course of several weeks? If he was open to the possibility of wanting more—and was obviously aware that that’s what my friend wanted—he had ample time to decide whether or not he saw any potential before he slept with her.
Long story short, he’s an asshole. Especially so for ending it by text in such a douchey way.
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s perfectly fine to only want sex. We’ve all been there. Sometimes you just need to get laid.
But like I say in It’s Always in the Last Place You Look, both people need to be on the same page. There is a special circle of hell reserved for people who lead someone on just for their own personal entertainment. It is dishonest and cruel and it makes you an asshole.
So all of you who do this—why don’t you guys stop being a bunch of assholes? That way nice girls can stop losing sleep over your sorry asses and everyone can start getting what they want.
Scornfully,
Indignant Women Everywhere
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p.s. This prompts a discussion about the fact that that just because a woman has sex with you right away doesn’t mean she just wants sex and/or isn’t open to the possibility of something more. I won’t address that here because I don’t have room, and frankly, Lindy West at Jezebel does a much better job of summing up the issue in her article.
I’ll leave you with a little taste of what she has to say:
“Conventional wisdom tells us that elegant, desirable ladies—long-term investment pieces—never do sex on the first date, no matter how much they want to. Not that they do want to, because “wanting to” is a male domain, while the female domain is mainly parasol twirling, nose powdering, and not putting out. Oh, but the men—as much as they sit around feverishly “wanting to” all day long—don’t actually like it when a woman does put out, because it means she’s one of those no-good putter-outers and not a real woman at all. Certainly not relationship material. Because look at her! She discarded these arbitrary social mores somebody made up and did the thing that both of us really really wanted to do! Boo, you whore.
Now, obviously this is some antiquated shit, but it’s clinging to our modern dating scene with all its might. I know a number of liberal feminists who wouldn’t dream of having sex on the first date (or even the second or third) because of the message it would send. As though sex somehow devalues you as a person. It taints the entirety of the date that came before. It makes a long-term relationship impossible. Lust can never become love. Well, bullshit, says this study. Love and lust aren’t so far apart as traditionalists would have us believe.”
Give it a read, maybe you’ll learn something.
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Have Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Need Advice? Have a funny/saucy/risqué dating or sex story you’d like to see in print but are too afraid to publish yourself?
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OliviaQuiver@gmail.com
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