The other night I was having dinner with a friend and he shared some very disturbing news: apparently there are still girls who don’t give head.
(I mean “still” in the relative sense of at this point in our lives, not at this point in time. It’s understandable that the earlier you are in your sexual development, the more foreign, and perhaps distasteful, the act of oral sex might seem. But by one’s late twenties (though hopefully much earlier) it should really be a regular part of everyone’s sexual repertoire.)
Which brings me back to the disturbing news: there are still girls who don’t do it.
This revelation did come with the caveat that it’s quite uncommon. Especially at our age, to encounter someone who unequivocally refuses to partake in such a basic element of sex is far from the norm. But it still got me asking why? To which I really couldn’t come up with a plausible answer, aside from maybe that blow jobs are “demeaning” or “gross.”
To those girls who think they’re demeaning, I don’t really know what to say, except that it’s only demeaning if you frame it as such. I mean, you could go all Andrea Dworkin and argue that all heterosexual sex is rape, but in that case I think your issues with sex go beyond mere blow jobs. Is you going down on a guy anymore demeaning than a guy going down on you?
No sexual act—aside from maybe two lesbians 69ing—will ever be completely symmetrical, so there’s always going to be an element of imbalance. That doesn’t mean this imbalance in inherently unfair or misogynistic. Sex is about finding the overall balance of pleasure, even if that means that certain individual acts are more one-sided.
And to those girls who think blow jobs are “gross,” you probably have no business having sex in the first place.
So this goes out to all the girls who still don’t give blow jobs, for whatever reason.
Why I love giving blow jobs and why you should too:
Reciprocity. I’ll begin by appealing to your logical side: If you don’t expect to go down on him, how can you expect him to go down on you? Though each individual sexual act might have an element of imbalance, the cumulative total should end up being fairly balanced. So if you don’t go down on him, he has every right not to go down on you. And then what are you left with? Pretty much just sex. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking just sex—I like a morning quickie as much as anyone else—but is that all you want all the time? When I go to a restaurant, I don’t order just an entrée. I also get an appetizer, a glass of wine, some dessert, maybe a cheese plate; sometimes I even like to start with a cocktail. My point is, if you like the idea of variety, you have to give some to get some. Period.
The better you are at something, the more you like it; the more you like it, the better you become. It’s a positive feedback loop. It’s obvious that doing something you aren’t great at isn’t a lot of fun. You have no idea if you’re doing it right, and if you’re not doing it right, you wonder what the point is, which makes you dislike the whole process. Solution? Do it a lot. Over and over again. Until you get better. I promise (cross my heart) that the better you get at giving blow jobs, the more you will enjoy it. For those of you who are lucky enough to be in a loving committed relationship, I’m sure (in fact I would bet everything I own on it) that your partner has absolutely no issue whatsoever with you practicing blow jobs on him. Be honest about what your insecurities are, and let him (gently, constructively) coach you. If you both have a competitive nature, you can play a little game of Oral Olympics against each other and give each other scores on things like technique, speed, and orgasm intensity (or make your own categories, it’ll be fun!) For those of you who are lucky enough to be single and playing the field, a friend with benefits is also a great person with whom to practice. Otherwise there is plenty of literature on the subject. And gentlemen, if you have any doubts about how to (gently, constructively) coach your partner, Ask Olivia gives you a few tips. I promise, once you get really good at it, you’ll love it, and practice makes perfect.
It’s a turn on. Plain and simple, arousing someone else causes you to become aroused. If you don’t think there’s something deliciously wonderful about one act giving two people so much pleasure, I’m not really sure you understand the point of sex to begin with. We all know that it takes longer for girls to get aroused than it does for guys, and we all know that for women mental arousal is just as, if not more important than physical arousal. (You know that slightly awkward moment when a guy you just started making out with tries to finger you seemingly out of nowhere and it sort of just feels like someone is poking you? Because if you’re not mentally turned on yet, you’re not really going to respond as much to physical stimulation—at least not the way a guy might if you quietly slid you hand in between his legs at the dinner table when he’s least expecting it.) So ladies, a blow job is one great way to get you in the mood. Let me paint you a picture: You go down on him and he starts getting really turned on. You can feel him hardening in your hands and in your mouth (which is a magical feeling, if I do say so myself), you can hear his breath quicken; he grabs your arm and tells you not to stop. This in turn starts to get you all hot and bothered (I mean, even just writing about it is getting me all hot and bothered). You start working him over a little more intensely, but then you start to want a little action of your own. So before he climaxes you have him take a little break to cool off while he goes down on you. You’re already there mentally, you’re getting there physically, and the only thing turning him on more than your blow job is the fact that you got yourself so turned on by giving him a blow job, and he can’t wait to go to town on you. You let him get you off once, by which point he’s definitely ready to go, you’re ready to go again, and you can finally fuck. Tell me it’s not a beautiful way to get things started.
It’s incredibly powerful. Being so utterly and completely in control of someone else’s pleasure is a very powerful feeling. Yes, there’s an element of that in sex too, especially if you’re in a position (literally or figuratively) where you’re calling the shots. But sex has a lot more distractions. Giving a blow job allows you to focus on one thing and one thing only, and it allows you to take away from him a control over his own pleasure that he’s used to having. Making him experience pleasure in a different way—at your hands instead of his own—allows you to decide what you want to happen. You can make a blow job a means to saucy end—the entrée itself—or you can just tease him into being ready for more—the appetizer to the main course, if you will. Whatever you’re hungry for, it’s up to you to decide how and when you want it, and he just has to lay back take what’s coming to him.
And don’t worry, I’ll be addressing the other side of the story—most importantly, reciprocity—in an upcoming column. Stay tuned for Why Guys Love Going Down on Girls and Why You Should Too.
UPDATE: This article has given rise to a lovely little debate! My friend and fellow sex columnist, Alice Paloma, wrote a response on her eponymous blog, which prompted a lively discussion on reddit. Please feel free to join in and contribute! I’d love to hear what you have to say.
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